the girl who feels unmotivated

I have reached the doldrums. the blahs. the "meh" mentality. And I'm not quite sure what is worse...being in this particular mental state, or recognizing I'm here and still not doing much about it.

I have been unemployed for two months now. Two Months! I don't like it. I enjoy the ordered structure of having a schedule, having meetings, tasks that need to be completed: in short, having a job to do. I have tried, oh so desperately tried, to establish that same sense of order on my personal life, but it just isn't happening. I don't understand why I can't order and schedule and break my home life up into manageable chunks, but the dynamic is completely different.

What inevitably happens is that I maintain for a little while and then, suddenly it seems, it all goes to pot at the same time, I look around and see just too much to do at once and I shut down and enter the stage of "meh."

Example:


This is my loveseat. It is covered with a week's worth of washing. I feel like I just cleared this off, I turn around and its full again.


This is the surface of my furniture. It is filled, not only with thoughtful, decorative knick-knacks and family pictures, but all of the STUFF I pick up off of the floor, set down "just for a minute" or liberate from a toddler and set up out of his reach.


This is said toddler. The activity for the morning while I *try* to muster up the motivation to take care of Mount Washmore, is for his older brothers to put him in the back of this Tonka dumptruck and push him--SQUEALING at the top of his lungs--up and down the only clear pathway in the house. I'm sobbing a bit inside because I took him to get his curls trimmed last weekend and now he just isn't as curly anymore. I want to send the boys outside to play to get out of my way, but two of them are grounded. It's funny, I was just giving my humble advice to a friend this past week where I advised her to look for punishments for her child that didn't punish her as well and here I go, locking my two most active kids into this nightmare of a house with me. I'm a dolt.

So what HAVE I been doing with all of my freetime these days, you might ask?

Well, I've certainly caught up on my reading. Thanks to Book Mooch and Paperback Swap I have a ton of new books in the house. I've started reading Nora Roberts novels, FSM help me. They are addictive pieces of fluff. Well written pieces of fluff, but nothing but entertainment that doesn't require a whole bunch of thought. Addictive too BECAUSE they are well written. I get completely caught up in the story and end up with a perfect excuse to be unmotivated.

I have not been scrapping as much as I would like to think I would be. I did finish this lo at Island Jen's Craft Love Fest last weekend.


One lo. That's it.

But I have been working on a minibook class for Piktails, my local LSS. The sample is nearly complete and I'll have to start organizing my anal retentive instructions for the actual class. Here's a preview of the materials.


And I've been visiting friends, going out to lunch, and running errands for Larry and Judy. All of which keep me out of the house but don't go a long way to accomplishing anything about the mess.

So I am BEGGING for someone to leave me a hint, a clue, throw me a rope or SOMETHING. While I spend my time sending out resumes, making phone calls and trying to find a job...how do I get this personal life of mine into the same order as my professional life?

My friends laugh at my organizational needs. How I NEED to have things ordered, alphabetized, cross-referenced and filed. But WHY can I not transfer that same obsessive compulsive tendancies to my home life?

Help!